Distributed computing is sexy. Don't believe us? In this talk we'll show you, on a deep, practical level and with lots of (mostly Python) code, how a highly automated and effective computer network attack could be crafted and enhanced with the help of distributed computing over 'Big Data' technologies. Our goal is to demystify the concept of using distributed computing for network attacks over an open source distributed computing cluster (Hadoop). By the end of this highly demo-focused talk you'll have an understanding of how an attacker could use three of our open source custom-written distributed computing attack tools, or easily build their own, to do whatever it is that they're into (we don't judge).